In the past few weeks – I have thought about writing 2000 blogs; with topics ranging from frustrations with the church to the downfall of the American Education system to run-ins with idiots. All could have taken hours to write, and every time I began to write, I stopped. I have learned it is best never to write anything, especially when publishing on the internet, while emotional or in the heat of the moment. I am pretty much a genius.
So what to blog about? I have thought about it for a while, and I am going to blog about me. Trust me – this will be good – you will want to read the whole thing.
I will spare all the background stuff. If you don’t know the history of Bo – let me know – maybe my next blog will be a timeline of all that is Bo…
During the summer of 2003, after coming back from being a last second chaperone for my church’s youth camp – I attempted suicide. I was unbelievably depressed. I bought a bottle of Tylenol PM, and sat in a Kroger parking lot in Cumming, Georgia and finished off the entire large bottle (somewhere around 100 pills). The gas station attendant noticed something wrong and contacted the police. She saved my life. If she had waited any longer or not called at all – I would be dead. I was in a coma for a few days, and still do not remember anything for about a week after the incident. I had hinted to some people this might happen – and I had every intention of dying.
At that time – I had finished my first two years of college – and decided not to return. I was told by everyone that I needed Christian counseling and that would cure everything (my dad being a minister – everyone giving advice was under this impression.) I stopped going pretty quickly and immersed myself in working and trying to piece my life back together. The next summer – it happened again. I had done one of the dumbest things…ever…and the depression consumed me again. I was heading to Springfield, IL from Atlanta to see my best friend and hope that it would help with my depression. But outside of St Louis, I veered off the interstate – drove into a random corn field – and again attempted suicide. Same thing. Only this time, I ended up flagging down a car for help. I had no idea why I was so depressed. I was a happy kid. I loved to laugh and make others laugh. Sure, I moved around a lot, but thought I was a better man for it. I was popular, played and succeeded in sports. All State choir. You get the point. This time, I was put in a Psych Ward – an experience I would not wish on my worst enemy. I was told I had chemical depression (which means I had no control over my serotonin levels and they were completely out of balance – causing my depression). Finally – I had an answer to what was causing the problem and a solution.
I began medication and intense therapy sessions. I learned to cope when things go bad, communicate my feelings, etc. As a person who everyone turned to for help – it was a big step for me to take to become vulnerable and lean on others for help. After a year- my levels were checked and I was weaned off the medication. After suffering from this chemical depression for 4 years – I was finally back to being me. Friends and family said they finally saw the old me. From 2000-2004 – I was not myself. And I had allowed my depression to take over my decision making.
Since going back and graduating college (started back fall of 2005 – two years after dropping out -most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life graduating December 2007) – it has been a very tough time finding work and moving on with my life. I moved to Nashville in hopes of finding work – even moved back in with the folks while job hunting. Year and a half later – still living with my folks…and not depressed. Frustrated – sure – but it can always be worse.
Had I not been through those trials earlier in my life – I would be a basket case probably looking for a tall bridge to jump off of. But I have a little advice…a few points to pass along so that others can hopefully nip depression in the butt much earlier…
1. Get things off your chest. If you are upset, angry, frustrated, sad – tell someone. Friends, family, trusted older person…SOMEONE
2. Read. Knowledge is power. The more you read – fiction or non – I can guarantee someone has already gone through similar circumstances and wrote about it.
3. Let the small things go. If you don’t get invited to a party, your crush turns you down, you parents don’t get you a car – etc etc – who cares! There are always worse tragedies in life.
4. Surround your self with a wide group of people who genuinely have your best interest at heart. You need friends your own age you can relate to, older/experienced people you can trust and seek counsel from etc.
5. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. There is a reason psychologists and psychiatrists are professionals – they know that they are doing. They can and will help you. Be careful about “counselors”. Some are good and useful – just always keep your eyes and ears open.
6. If you feel depressed/down in the dumps/like a main character at the end of a Martin Scorsese movie – RUN to help. If you have let things dwell and go untouched – you are late in the game and you better get help fast. If you don’t know where else to turn – go to the ER – they will take care of you. You don’t want to end up in a coma with your stomach pumped and a tube down your throat – it sucks.
7. Write. Journal (even if it’s on your computer), poetry, songs, whatever – just write. You don’t have to say anything profound – but a lot of times – if you see what you’re thinking/feeling – it will help.
8. Don’t get bogged down by school/work/relationships. Take time to enjoy life.
9. Laugh. We are all idiots at some/most points in our lives. If you look around you – its one big Chris Farley movie out there – and if you don’t laugh at it – then you will cry – and then you are depressed…
10. DON’T GIVE UP! Jimmy V – the famous NC State Head basketball coach, said this shortly before he died, “Don’t give up = don’t ever give up!” It’s a motto I have lived with since 2004 – and it has gotten me through some tough times here lately – being unemployed, 26 and living at home. It would be easy to give up – but I know I still have a lot to accomplish.
I hope this helps at least one person. If not – at least I wrote three pages about some of the toughest – yet rewarding – years of my life. I would not wish anyone else going through that – but it has made me a better man. This is a just a little about me. I spared a lot of details for fear of boredom, but you get the point of the story….
Have a great day….
Jennings